Palmer MUST Build The Titanic
II
(1)
Batshit crazy "Old Coot" Rose Dawson still has two trunks chock-full of
priceless stolen jewelry to toss overboard. And let's not forget that
old armoire, the vanity, the wallsafe, the broken 1949 Amana
refrigerator/freezer, three Carrier air conditioners of various early
vintages - also in disrepair, and don't forget the Koenig & Bauer
steam-powered printing press, circa 1817, in mint condition.
Anything "that sassy bastard trashman" won't take from the curb, Rose
just drags though customs and heaves over the side once the ship
is in international waters. That is, until her grandchildren have her
committed.
(2) Due to global warming
- oh, sorry - "climate change," the chance of collision with an iceberg
is next to nil. However, the odds of being boarded by ravenous,
drooling, homeless polar bears goes through the
roof.
(3) Upon boarding in
Southampton, England, first and second-class passengers will be subject to a
"ceremonial" de-lousing with confetti. In keeping with the spirit of the
early 1900's, there will be a separate line for any third-class Guineas, Krauts,
Micks, Polacks, Coolies or Yids, who will receive a big blinding
stinging faceful of the real deal.
(4)
James Cameron will get to tell the romantic tale of the thrilling ocean
voyage of Titanic Deux, for better or worse, by imprisoning movie-goers with his
new format - an EIGHT-hour running time! Starring Justin Bieber and
Katy Perry! Grown men will stop hiding their tears, and start hiding
cyanide capsules in their
fillings.
(5) Quinn Cameron will need
something "all-his-own" to be morbidly obsessed about in his old
age.
(6) Dont sweat it!
The binocular-toting half-asleep near-sighted guy will probably be
replaced by underwater SONAR. Probably.
(7) Sesame Street's Alex Stevens has already been signed on to
kick off the maiden voyage by falling down the Grand
Staircase while carrying "TEN CHOCOLATE LAYER CAKES!"
(He's only 78 - what's the worst that could happen? Wait, this is the
Titanic II...let's not ask that...)
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